Better late than never
Okay, so I may have taken the scenic route but it was so worth it
It is a little amusing to me that my last post was in March (still doing that routine by the way!) — it seemingly took that long for me to retract from rushing into a new platform and take the time needed to get to know my new environment. And if that’s not a metaphor for life, well I don’t know what is. You really can’t flourish in a new space until you intimately understand your surroundings. And that is not easy for someone who prefers to be immediately good at things and generally lacks the patience to take the time to learn and observe.
I suppose this is a little check-in, with favorite sources of inspiration embedded throughout. Life is very funny, and this platform has surprised me in so many ways.
Same, same, but *different*
Generally, I have a complicated relationship with social media. Most days I would honestly prefer it not to exist at all. But turns out when you intentionally curate your Substack feed to be something different — something inspiring, creative, honest, and sincere — it really does feel like a new frontier. (Thats not to stay you couldn’t re-create your Instagram feed here, I just personally would recommend aiming to not do that.) So for the past few months, I have sat like a new student in the back row, listening to all the brilliant minds in class. I suppose it helped me figure out what kind of voice I wanted to be.
March to September is no small jump — maybe it’s an extended summer, maybe it’s almost half a year. And it truly feels like both versions to me. Somewhere in last winter, I decided this was going to be The Year I Changed My Life. (There have been many journaling sessions along the way.) I have been someone who has been generally capable of making really big decisions and has lived in multiple largest cities, so this may sound unnecessarily dramatic, but in reality, I also have let old (defensive) habits inform almost all of my decision-making. The past me (then-current) had found success in reactive, insecure, and survivalist mentalities (disguised as resilience and confidence), but I knew deep down they weren’t going to continue to serve me in the way I needed to grow. It was going to have to be new tactics that brought me to a new landscape, the old ways simply wouldn’t work.
It was at that pivotal moment (optimistic low point? not quite rock bottom but maybe?) that I wrote my first Substack post. I was eager to find a new way, and I wanted to help share how I found it in case anyone felt the same. But classic old habits took control, so I also really wanted to show you that I was intelligent, capable, and worthy of your attention. Entirely the wrong motivations, which is why I fairly quickly (a brief three posts) had virtually nothing to say.
The benefits of the back row
In the meantime (not via Substack, but from some good ol’ emotional mining), I have learned a couple things about myself recently that have been extremely informative / humbling, turns out:
I have a paralyzing fear of embarrassment. I would rather not try at all than fall on my face publicly.
Jealousy (often displayed as judgement or criticism) has always been a window into my honest desires.
I have two versions of me constantly at odds, the one that believes in me and the one that doesn’t. Which is more convincing depends on the day.
My need to be the best, smartest, and prettiest is not grit or drive, it is fear.
If any of these sound familiar to you, you have my sincerest compassion because boy are they not easy to wrangle. But what’s funny about shining a light on them, and actually identifying with (instead of denying) them, is suddenly they become so straightforward. Of course, they aren’t solvable in a day, but now I feel I can continuously, consciously decide not to subscribe to them anymore. Old ways out.
Listening to all the other voices on this platform put words to feelings I couldn’t describe, created a parasocial camaraderie, and inspired me to keep chipping away at these bad habits. I often joke this platform has become my personalized culture section of the newspaper. And over time, my motivations shifted from wanting to be heard, to wanting to join in on the conversation. A subtle but substantial difference.
I knew in winter the only way out of my rut was/is creatively experimenting with my sense of self. So wonderfully, the original motivation for this Substack remains the same. Perfectionism is certainly a chronic condition that I am navigating (shout out to all my perfectionists out there! Don’t shut it down, harness it! It is a strength!) so in order to help me wrestle it, and quell my fear of embarrassment, I won’t be spending hours editing these. You will probably see a typo more than once!
I will be candid, and hopefully helpful, but mainly I want to try to be consistent so I can remember this time. To me, right now seems like a turning back point, the moment a hike gets a little too unclear and a little too difficult, so you decide whether it’s really worth it to keep going or if you should turn around to safely and make it back to the car. I think it’s worth it, but only time will tell.
Before this gets pedantic — I know nothing! I’m learning! — I will wrap up this little check-in. Summer is usually my least favorite season (you beach bums can have it!) but even with the LA heat waves this one felt quick and painless. Here are a couple of things that brought in some joy —
Becoming a gym rat, I’ve released the feminine urge of cardio and have been weightlifting four times a week (even on vacation! who am I?) There is something amazing about feeling strong and taking up space in a predominately male environment while blasting Taylor Swift in my AirPods.
Reading Substacks! Here is another favorite. (Please send me your favorites! I am still looking for new great ones)
“Being European” — this has become our little joke of the summer for behaving as if we are on European vacation without leaving the city (drinking wine/cocktails on a patio in the afternoon, cheese plates for a picnic, groceries from the farmers market, etc.) It greatly helps romanticize life, and even better if you don’t post about it and just enjoy.
Going to bed early, so what if I want 9+ hours? So sue me.
Cooking for my dog. I know, but turns out that nourishing and caring for something you love so deeply can teach you how to care for yourself.
Wearing an oversized men’s button-up over bike shorts and a soft sports bra (if you saw me this summer, I was most likely in this Nancy Meyers-esque uniform)
Ripe peaches out of the fridge with a pinch of Maldon Salt on them
Continuous home donations and reorganization — because sometimes you just gotta let your freak flag fly you know?
Health and wellness podcasts, especially this one!!
FINALLY a skincare line that feels luxe without triggering my rosacea (I could cry)
*none of these are affiliate links — if they brought me joy, I hope they do the same for you <3
And because we are in the back half of The Year I Change My Life, here is a list of what I have successfully changed vs. what I still would like to achieve. I’ll be transparent! Maybe I’ll be embarrassed if I can’t make them all happen, maybe I won’t!
Potentially up next (I always reserve the right to change my mind) —
Madison- Thanks for sharing this piece. Especially your thoughts on “paralyzing fear of embarrassment.” I think we all might have this. Hope you’re well this week? Cheers, -Thalia