Closing out tabs (and leaning into winter rhythms)
Winter should be for introspection, so why don't I have room to think?
It has been a little longer than I had anticipated to release this technically second — but really first, since the last was simply an introduction — article of this newsletter. This one may be a tad longer due to the amount of time that has passed but hopefully worth the read.
As a refresher, this is a newsletter to aid in your own artistic rehabilitation. Our modern world has a lot of benefits, but it also can cause even the most confidently creative to well, disconnect. Consider this your deep dive into creativity — what it is, how we can nurture it, and how it influences our day-to-day life and mental health. This is Creative Mentality.
I hope it helps.
January is inherently introspective. It is the Monday of the whole year, full of resolutions, thoughts of who we want to be, and cold, dark mornings and evenings that lead us to drop into feelings and neuroses. Or perhaps you live in the southern hemisphere and it is peak summertime, but I am sure most of the New Year, New Me programming remains the same.
Coming off the holidays I found my thinking was moving very slowly. As a chronic over-thinker whose brain seeming runs a mile-a-minute, this was a red flag. It was not slow as in methodical and grounded, it was more slow like when the spinning rainbow wheel pops up on your MacBook — when you look at your browser window and you realize you have so many tabs open, there are no longer any titles but only icons, and maybe 27 pages is too many.
Then you look at your computer storage and it gives you the warning that you have run out of space. You can download an app to clear some room, but unfortunately, it cannot download because there is not enough storage. Ironic and blatantly clear.
That was what my brain felt like.
There wasn’t room for adding new daily habits to create space like meditation. I had to remove the excess stimulus. I had to independently start closing out each tab. Turns out, one cannot think — and therefore one cannot create — if there is no room.
I started by writing down lists, then categorized lists, of everything I was consistently thinking about. If I had it safely jotted down (my lists live in my trusty old-man planner, but the Notes app is great too) then I wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting it, but I could let go of it and return to it when I had the time. I included links! Quotes! Books! For the record — these lists aren’t past tense. I still add to them, weekly, daily, and cross out or delete as I go. Truly it is my brain exported. Then the next step had to be slowing the speed of additional stimulus — that one was a bigger task, especially in modern-day technology culture.
My Version of Dry January
I have always respected the concept of Dry January, but to me, it always felt a little too severe and too punishing. Don’t get me wrong, I would not be holiday-level drinking in the new year, but I liked the concept of a damp January, to pull back and recalibrate without depriving.
Everyone is different, but I find I am not sober-curious, nor do I see myself having an addiction or control issue with drinking. However, something else was impeding my day-to-day that could I afford to be deprived of and it made me anxious to do so. I decided I should give up Instagram for a month. Depending on how tight of a grip social media has on you, this could sound mundane or impossible.
For me, it created a nervousness and a knee-jerk reaction of a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t. I will feel disconnected, I won’t know what is going on in my friends and family’s lives, I will miss the new places to eat in Los Angeles, someone will think I am rude for not responding, and/or I will be removing inspiration or trends. That panic-thinking sealed the deal and made me want to do it more. My phone told me how many hours I spent on Instagram, and if I was a content creator or worked in social media it would be fully justified. But I don’t post, I only consume. I mindlessly scroll, save, numb, soak up the sponsored content, and create more tabs in my head. What would I do waiting in line? How would I fill the time?
The Rules: Move the app to reduce the muscle memory of opening it subconsciously but keep it on my phone. I wanted to see the severity of my dependence. If I could be around it and choose not to engage daily that would be ideal. However, if I find that I am unreliable, I will delete the app from my phone.
*I will discuss the full outcome in an additional post.
Winter Rhythms and Leaning In
It is understood by those more savvy than myself in the mind/body connection that each season brings a different energy. And we can fight against those energies to maintain our routine — alarm clocks, extra caffeine, light therapy, cardio — or we can release our previous rhythm and adopt the one of the season. There is a chance disassociating from this connection could cause additional stress so it may be beneficial to lean in.
Winter is the darkest season, it allows for internal truths to rise to the surface in the quiet. The cold demands more stillness and less physical growth but instead asks us to prioritize what is sleeping under the surface. It is a time to slow our routine and add in additional rest. It’s not all doom and gloom, this quiet restoration can also create space for the gratitude of light (missing long summer days or currently loving the brightness of stars) or rituals of care in which we can uncover what our authentic self is longing for.
If this sounds too woo-woo for you, I can reduce it. Allow yourself to relax, retreat, cozy up, and take care. It is not lazy, it’s primal. And when you slow down it can bring a certain clarity to set up your year for success. That way we aren’t building New Year’s resolutions on what we should be, but instead what we want to be.
When we are constantly in motion, there is no time to reflect. We are so occupied with moment-to-moment reactions that each decision is shallowly based on the one before. To add in time (slow down, stop moving, stop doing), is to add depth to our decision-making.
For me, slowing down meant not working out daily. I temporarily released the obligation and routine, slept in a little extra, and enjoyed longer dog walks in the cold. It meant cooking at home more, setting fewer social commitments, trying new self-care rituals, upping my supplement game, and becoming a little hermit. It may look very different for you.
If you find yourself a bit depleted, I would strongly recommend giving this a try. Permission is a powerful thing. How much of your routine is what you are supposed to do? How much is out of guilt that you are lazy or not doing enough if you don’t do everything you can? Maybe try a new routine for a week — think about internal nurture, rest, and recovery. How can you nourish yourself? What feels good?
It’s important here to not mix up nourishment with numbing. Ask yourself, is this good for me? Is it benefiting me?
Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection
I had been picking up and putting down this book for a while and finally finished it. Funny what one can do when not scrolling. It probably should be required reading for anyone human. But a few sections jumped out to me during this time.
“Comparison is all about conformity and competition.” p. 122
How many tabs do I have open trying to be something I am not? Personally, more than I am brave enough to admit publicly. If we can quiet the demand to be what is adored, expected, or on trend, then maybe we will be able to hear our authentic selves speak up. Do I want this? Or am I told that I should? The scariest part about comparison is when we are constantly looking at and obsessing over what we are lacking, we lose gratitude for what we have.“Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.” p.138
I was over the moon to read this. Suddenly there was a throughline to my want of “closing tabs”, the learning of winter rhythms, and the feeling of not being able to think/create because there was no mental room. She had articulated it so beautifully, and suddenly I understood why I was cleaning out the medicine cabinets and storage closet! Something in me was trying to create space and de-clutter, mentally and physically. She says later in this chapter: “In our increasingly complicated and anxious world, we need more time to do less and be less.” And if that isn’t an advocation for winter rhythms then I don’t know what is.“Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.” p.75
Over-productivity is a masochistic byproduct of perfectionism and insecurity. And this is coming from the previously proud president of the over-productivity club. It is so ingrained in me, that it flares up like a chronic illness. I saw it as a strength. I worked myself ragged, created more to do, and kept pushing through signs of exhaustion until my body shut down and all I could manage was binging 14 hours of television catatonically and eating ice cream for breakfast. I thought it was quirky. I am now making an effort to recategorize perfectionism and self-sabotage, because if we are so desperately working to prove ourselves then there is no room for growth or curiosity.
*Should I start a book list to update as I go? Would that be helpful? Who’s to say, let me know.
So this is where I will stop for now. I heard on a podcast recently that only 7% of people achieve their New Year’s resolutions, but from a psychological perspective, we may have a greater chance of success if we make quarterly goals instead. (Seasons anyone?) Closer deadline, easier to reach. I am on a bit of a warpath to create space. I have a new interest in how my daily habits are affecting my subconscious self-talk. These two in tandem are causing me to incidentally re-evaluate almost everything I come into contact with. Now when I reach for something (literally or figuratively) I ask: Is this nourishment, punishment, or numbing?
My quarterly goals are all based on nourishment. Reduce punishing behaviors, be honest about motivation, and avoid numbing habits. Nourish yourself. Be downright passionate about it. Pare down “junk food” stimulus and allow yourself to be surprised by what fills the space you create.
Talk soon, Mads